Monday, November 25, 2019

Happy Monday!

It's a beautiful day in South Central PA guys! The high is 60 at the end of November, and sunshine all day in the forecast! I feel like I need to turn off the heat and open the windows today, y'all! 

I woke up this morning with Danielle's alarm; which has been the story of my life going into week 3. But it's okay; at least I get to lay in bed for another hour or so and just rush to fly out of bed.

Things have been different. I'm so used to be on edge and rushed around on a regular basis, so even though I'm quite stir crazy, I'm relieved. I'm trying to find myself again; the person who wasn't always resentful and angry due to the situations I was handed. It's hard...but I'm trying. I need to let things go before I can truly move on, so now it's the process of acceptance and forgiveness.

I started doing a 30 day yoga challenge on YouTube and that's been helpful. I've completed 4 days so far and I can tell the difference even between days 1 and 4. I'm stretching, I'm exercising, I'm relieving stress and I'm re-aligning myself. 

Last week when we had those two really nice days, I also took a walk around town. Just checking out the new shops and the scenery, the architecture and the vibes. The first day was really nice; the second day was nice too but more peopley. 

Thanksgiving is this Thursday and I have a fun-filled weekend ahead. We go to her dads on Thanksgiving afternoon, my dads Thanksgiving evening, then Abbey is coming to stay at my place from Thursday into Friday. Mallory is in town for the holiday so I'm spending Black Friday with her ( the first B.F. I've had off in YEARS! ) and then Saturday I'm prepping a turkey for an impromptu "Friendsgiving" that I'm holding on Sunday. I haven't cooked a turkey since Adler and I first started dating ( which is probably about 10 years ago ) but I'm excited. And I'll have turkey leftovers for daaaaaaaaays!

I went to see Summer yesterday and when I came home the apartment looked amazing thanks to D, so that was awesome. I did some de-cluttering and cleaning earlier this weekend; managed to get about a 13 gallon trash bag full of things to donate plus did some rearranging AND I found my long lost SS card! Man, being an adult can be rough sometimes! LOL.

I had an interview last week and have been placing about 2 job applications a day. Unfortunately, the job market kinda sucks and I have my heart set on a few companies that I really want to get into. The interview I went to was with one of them, but the starting salary is quite low. But I would have the opportunity to grow in the company later down the road. I'm trying to take it one day at a time and not rush into something based off of fear; I have a plan and if it falls through I have a back-up plan. So there's that. I just want to make sure that my next move is the right move, and not just "a" move. 

I have to say that today is a good day, but lately it's been hard to have them. A lot of stress comes from the unknown, and worry can wear a person down. But I'm trying to stay positive and take it a step at a time. I am crafting and selling my crafts, I'm exercising and trying to get myself healthier, I'm focusing on what I really want and need in my life, and I'm putting my faith into God and the universe right now. 

There is a plan for me, as long as I work hard to want to follow that plan. It doesn't mean I can just sit here and HOPE something happens, but I know that my "happy place" is out there if I try. 

I know no one asked for an update of my life, but I know some people out there read this. And if you do, hey!...I'm okay! And I'm gonna be way or another...


Monday, November 18, 2019



bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.

Welcome to my world; where I resent about 2/3 of the population.

It's not because I want to. It's not because I'm a "Millenial" or Gen Y. It's because of the person that I am on the inside. It's because of what I've been through in my life. It's because of what others have done to me in the past. Resentment is a hell-of-a feeling...and it eats at your very core.

In therapy, I worked on some of my issues with resentment. I learned to finally forgive people in my past for hurting me. For saying cruel things, gossiping about me, appearing as a friend to my face but acting as an enemy behind my back. Exes, friends, family...broken people who used me to benefit themselves. I forgave them. But it took a long time.

And all that pent-up resentment caused a distrust in most humans.

Now I'm harboring another form of resentment, that not only makes me question others but also myself. I have been in and out of such a bad place for several years now, and I feel like it's really taken its toll. I don't know who I am or what I want in life anymore. And it's scary. It's terrifying to feel so broken after expecting things that you never received. For feeling taken for granted, underappreciated, ridiculed/mocked, treated unfairly, and looked down upon. For taking so much in stride until you just couldn't deal anymore. It's hard to pick yourself up out of that.

Resentment stems from ruminating over negative details, but when your experience felt more negative than it was positive, it's hard to stay on the course. Your ego is bruised. Your feelings are hurt. You feel like you gave your all and got nothing in return; like it was wasted time. I tried so hard to keep a positive attitude, keep my mouth shut and go with the flow. I was expected to just bend to appease others. But by doing that, I accepted things that I should never had accepted, didn't speak up when I should have, and pretty much set myself up for this.

I'm so disappointed in myself.

A lot of people found themselves very resentful during the last election. An article from Psychology Today discusses 8 strategies to work through resentment. You need to allow yourself to feel and understand the emotion, but you can't live within in. This is something I'm battling pretty hard at the moment. When resentment succumbs your life for so long, it's hard to look forward to "better"'re already so gun-shy about certain types of people or situations, and it keeps you from coming out of your comfort zone; from challenging yourself.

Resentment is like hate--it hurts you more than it does the other person/people. It's a hollow emotion that helps no one.

But to work through resentment, you must realize you feel it, vent it out healthy ways, accept it, and move on from it. I compare it to the stages of grief:

Denial: at first you may not realize that this is an issue, and you may just look the other way; you expect things will change with time

Anger: you realize there is an issue and you start becoming angry with the person(s) that are treating you unfairly

Bargaining: you speak up...and maybe things change...but if they don't, you start wondering if YOU need to make the change

Depression: no one wants to feel resentful of others; we don't want to feel like we were targeted or treated unfairly

Acceptance: you realize that the only person you can control is yourself and that how others treat you is a reflection of themselves and not you

Of course, this is my own comparison. But I feel like it's pretty comparable to "losing someone". You put your faith and trust in a person and they disappoint you, and when resentment rears its ugly head it's like the death of a relationship. It's hard to come back from that.

#8 in the article states that you must "practice applying the understanding that unless you've learned how to change the past, it's as good as it's ever going to get". In Layman's terms, you're never going to move on from this feeling until you've accepted it.

And yes, I know it's hard to resist negativity, but it's essential. So much is a mess in this world and we don't take enough time to appreciate the little things. We get so caught up in the negativity and resentment that sometimes we just need to detoxify ourselves and learn better coping mechanisms. Be it meditation, yoga, reading, writing, crafting, the like.

You can't live a happy and valid life while harboring resentment of people from the past. Yes, easier said than done, but it's essential to progress. Take a deep breath, know your feelings are valid, and release it. Just let it go.



Monday, November 4, 2019

"Is It Just Me?"

I contemplate that statement a lot in my life. I was an inquisitive child, and am as an adult. 

It sucks.

Because as I've grown, I've learned that I can no longer people please at the expense of myself. But what does that mean for me?

When you aren't looking out for the well-being of others over yourself, you piss off a lot of people. Whether they feel entitled or that you're "screwing them over"...people that lack boundaries will always be against those who have them. But when is it all in your head, and when is it reality?

Do Other People See It, Too?

This is a major point to make when asking this question. Are you the only one feeling this way, or do others agree with what is happening? I'm not saying "coming to complain with you" agree, but more or less "brought up in conversation" agree. If you know that numerous people are seeing or feeling the same way that you are, it's not just you. You may intensify it more by being in your head too much, but when others can concur that there is indeed a negative pattern, learn to not second-guess yourself. Clearly, there is a pattern that others also see.

Remember That Your Feelings Are Valid, No Matter What Others May Say

The only person in control of your you. "Perception is reality" and if you're feeling some sort of way, you're allowed to. No one can make you feel otherwise. If you get bad vibes from someone, you get bad vibes. If you feel sick when you go certain places, you should stop going there. Sometimes, you have to do what's best for your mental health. We spend decades on this Earth; working, forming relationships, paying bills, trying to be happy. If something doesn't serve you well, you shouldn't have to feel obligated to it. That's not being entitled or bratty; that's having boundaries and expectations of the behavior of those you surround yourself with. Your feelings are valid, and if you can't change others you must make the change for yourself.

Keep A Journal

I keep a journal to write in when I'm feeling extra anxious and need to just spill words on paper. It helps sort your thoughts and get all that negative energy out of your system. It also lets you reflect on the events that are infuriating you so that you can see the big picture. It may not change the events of what's happening, but it can hopefully allow you to see a clearer picture of what needs to change in your life and help you to make moves to better your quality of life.

Don't Brush It Off

When you let things build and boil over, you tend to explode. And usually, it's not in the way you had intended. If you speak up and your voice isn't heard, it's time to tell those people good-bye. If you feel like you can't even speak to these people, those people don't deserve to have you in their lives. You can't let people abuse you and walk all over you, then have the nerve to ask why you're so unhappy. The people who truly care about you and your well-being AS A WHOLE will listen compassionately, work with you to help you be the best version of yourself that you can be, and understand that maybe change is warranted within themselves if they make people feel the way they have. 

I have a lot of self-doubt; even after I make a decision in which I feel very strongly is the "right" one. Because I am one that always thinks of the "what ifs". But you can't lead a happy life only worrying about what COULD happen. You need to grab life by the balls and do what you need to do for you. You are not responsible for anyone's happiness other than your own. 

You can sit around and hope things will change, but you know they won't. When people are set in their ways, the only one who can change the situation is themselves. And if they see no problem in their words or actions, change will never occur. 

So, it's not "just you". And if majority says otherwise, who cares! You get this one life and if something makes you unhappy, the only one who can change that is you. Your relationship, your job, your family, where you live, what you accept; YOU must take the steps to change your surroundings and your mentality. 

If you can't turn this shit into sugar, it's time to find a new toilet.