Monday, September 3, 2018

The Winds of Change Have Come and Gone

I think I wrote in previous entries that this past winter was a very hard one for my depression. I think I may have been the lowest that I'd ever been. Not to the point of suicide or anything, but I was very unhappy...very lonely...very sad. I had started discussing it with my therapist at the end of last year but things were not getting better. I felt secluded, far from the few friends I had, very much alone and stressed/depressed/lethargic; and the sadness was so overwhelming that I was too drained to put forth the effort to go do things. All I did was work, sit at home alone ( Nate works a lot ) and nap. Oh, and eat.

So at the end of April, right before my trip, I broke down. I stayed in bed for 2 days and just cried. I knew what I had to do. I didn't know if it was going to help or what, but I gave it until I came back to finalize my thoughts. And when I did, I knew I had to go.

Nate and I broke up in May. 

I haven't made it public ( well, until now ) I've told my close friends, and family knows because Carol let them know. I couldn't live in Dover anymore, among other personal stuff. Nate and I don't hate each other. We are still friends. I still care about him. But I needed to come back to Carlisle. I needed to be closer to people and be in an area where I have the ability to walk to the grocery store when it snows instead of being trapped behind 3.5' of snow for 2 days. It's not the friendliest town. I don't have many friends here anymore. But I needed familiarity. I needed a new start. I needed independence. I needed to start over.

And starting over sucks. It's scary and it's hard and it's expensive. But it needed to be done. Sure, things aren't better like the flip of a switch--there are things that I want to do and goals I want to achieve. And the first few months haven't been how I'd imagined them either. So I'm just taking one day at a time and trying to be as true to myself as I can be without hurting anyone along the way.

In any case, on a less serious note, I found a cute apartment in town that I absolutely adore. It's more money than I've ever spent on a place but luckily, I make more than I did 3 years ago when I was living here before. I'm not going to state where exactly I live ( of course ) but I'd love to show you around!

Let's start with the living room:

I spy a pug looking out the window

My Sofa's Unlimited couches!

The sliding doors that separate the rooms is one of my favorite accents

View from the bedroom looking out

Some old stuff and some new stuff to tie the living space up. The high ceilings and the deep-set windows are also a big reason why I fell in love with this apartment. Also, this little feature:

Although I don't have a coat closet, I do have a washer and dryer! So no laundry mat for me!

My bedroom is huge, with plenty of space for activities. I have been thinking about getting a treadmill or elliptical to put in the room eventually. I also created a Pug Wall, so that will be fun to build on to!

Just put new sheets on the bed!

Nice sized closet and lots of floor space; hate that I don't have central air, though

This area still needs a tad reorganized

The start of the Pug Wall

The kitchen is decent. I wish I had a little more counter space, but it does the job:

Old school stove

Miss having a dishwasher =(
And then there's the bathroom. Oddly enough, you have to walk down steps to get to it. Annnnd it's only accessed through the bedroom. Luckily since it's just me, it's not a big deal. 

Older sink--no counter space, but the medicine cabinet is luckily deep-set

View looking down from the steps; it has a decent sized tub, too

The tile is old but I tried to spruce up the space as best I could

So that is my humble abode. Sure, it's not where I expected to be at 31 years old. And sure, I wish I was a lot more "settled" in life than I am. But what I DO know is that I'm a strong woman--I'm independent and try to stay true to myself and others. I don't want to buy a house just for myself, nor do I want to invest time and money and emotions into things that I'm not 100% about. I'd rather take my time in life to try to get things as right for me as possible instead of making rash decisions I later regret. I'm doing okay and hope to only get better as time goes. I need to focus on myself and my needs/wants/hopes/dreams. No excuses. This is my safe-haven and if you need me, this is where you can find me 😘