Friday, May 5, 2017

It's A Process

I fully understand that "Rome wasn't built in a day", but after doing several months of therapy, I feel no differently...

...I think it may be time to find a new therapist. 

Although I really like my therapist, I feel like she doesn't do much outside of just listening to me complain about life. I need tools. I need help. I need to learn coping mechanisms to help me deal with disappointment, anger, healthy communication, hostility, how I dwell on things, and the such. I'm 30 years old and I *still* don't have a grasp on any it. And for that, I'm meant to live as a sheep; a follower.

I was told that it's "just not my personality" to be a leader. Okay...maybe it's not. But why am I always the one who gets pushed around and shit on?

I presume it's mostly due to the fact that I don't know how to correctly express myself. And because I don't act like a total raging bitch that flies off the handle whenever I don't get my way, apparently that makes me "soft".

I have this problem with my mind running 39348598345 miles a minute when there's a heated discussion about anything; thus leaving my words to fumble out of my mouth like an utter idiot. As you can imagine, it doesn't help my case. I'm better at expressing myself through writing...but that's not healthy when you need to express something to a lover, co-worker, family member or even a stranger.

But how does one "break up with their therapist"? I feel like I'm losing a friend. And it's stressful because I've invested so much time with her and I'll have to start all over with someone new. Go over all my gripes...again. Talk about my family...again. Talk about my self-esteem issues and my depression/anxiety and failed friendships and work and home...again. I wish I could just talk to her about these issues, but I have somewhat before and it hasn't changed. 

I need someone to call me out on my bullshit.

I need someone to be real with me, that I don't have a personal connection with.

I need "homework" and goals to achieve to make me feel like I'm actually accomplishing groundwork.

...I just don't know where I'm to look.

Talk-therapy helps me because I feel like it's someone I can go to that has no emotional attachment to ANY of the parties I discuss. But I also like that my therapist tells me a bit about her life and shows me the similarities in our childhoods--it makes me feel less "alone" in my experiences. I just need something more.

I'm unsure as to what resources I should investigate to find what I am looking for. The major one, though, is a psychologist who accepts insurance because I have mental health coverage. 

It just sucks that I took the step to try to better myself and took the effort to even start doing this, and now I have to start from the bottom again. 

*sigh* c'est la vie, I suppose...


PS. If therapy was doing what I needed it to, I would've formed the skills to help me move on to something that would work better for me...GAH! Hahaha!