Sunday, October 23, 2016

October Glam Bag!

So, although I was kinda bummed to know that I was receiving eyeliner in my October bag after just using points to get an eyeliner, I actually really liked this month's bag!

And look how cute the Halloween-themed bag is!!!


Alright, now on to the reviews:

Ciate London Fierce Flicks Eyeliner in Black
O.M.G. I LOVE this eyeliner!!! I have an eyeliner like this in N.Y.C. brand and it doesn't hold a candle to this. Seriously, this is the best eyeliner I've used to get the "cat-eye" look. It goes on smooth...clean...and DARK. This is the first time I used it and the results were onpoint!:

I need to purchase stock in this eyeliner...

Cosmoholic Liquid Lipstick in Mysterious Mocha
Yeaaaahhhh...I don't like lip color. I'm pale AF and it's very hard to find a color that looks good with my skin tone and fits my personality. I'll admit that I wasn't happy to see this in my bag ( especially since I've said *numerous* times in my quiz that I don't like lipsticks ) BUT!...the color actually doesn't look too bad. When I initially got it, I put it on immediately and Nate even agreed that it wasn't too bad. Will I ever wear it, though?...probably not =(

Lottie London Perfectly Precise Eyeshadow Brush
I got a smudge brush a few months back that was just a miniature version of this one. But I did use this brush with the eyeshadow I got in my bag and, it's a nice little brush. But hey, to me...a brush is a brush is a brush...

theBalm Cosmetics Hot Mama Blush
Now this little square of color is supposed to be a blush/eyeshadow. Well, the hue is a little *meh* for me to use as a blush so I put it on my 'lids...and it was aight. I like browns and such...not a big fan of pink eyeshadow with my skin tone. It's an OK product, I'd say.

pur-lisse Daily Lip Nourisher with Mango and Shea Butters
Yeaaaah...just like with the lip colors, I'm also kinda bad with any type of lip balm, too. It's weird. I guess because I feel like it's going to wear off anyway...I just don't use them much. Now, I don't fully understand the purpose in this "nourisher" other than as a balm, but I guess you are supposed to let it absorb and then use it under lipsticks? It does make my lips feel amazing, but on the other hand I don't usually deal with dry lips unless it's blistering cold outside. 

And my extra...

Be A...Bombshell Eyeliner in Onyx
I liked this stuff until I tried the other one in my bag. Pros: it's fat, it's short and it's easy to hold/guide. Cons: I feel you have to go over the area a few times to get full coverage, if you're not careful your liner will be super-thick ( which I don't necessarily mind because I like mine thick ) 

I would give my bag a 4/5 this month. The bag itself brings it's ratio up, but the fact that I received two lip products was a big no-no for me.

Can't wait to see what November has in store!!

The Psychology of Dreams

I've been having a lot of weird dreams lately. Mostly, they have to do with people from my past. People who are no longer in my life. Situations that went awry. They are not drug-induced. These are not people who are lingering on my mind during waking hours. But somehow, my subconscious is bringing them back to light. Why?

I feel ( as humans ) we strive for perfection. And, although some people can fly-by-the-seat-of-their-pants and easily move on from any sort of relationship ( be it romantic or otherwise ), there are still those of us who strive to do whatever imaginable to make something work...whether it be all in vain or not. 

I was one of those people for a very long time.

I feel that the remorse of failed relationships still live with me today.

When I was a teenager, I spent five and a half years fighting for a relationship that, well, wasn't worth it. It was a sham. Cheating and lying from both parties, I still felt somewhat obligated to him: he was my first love, he took my virginity, he was there through so much. He was a constant in my life when there wasn't much constant going on. So, even though deep down I knew that he wasn't my forever, I still stayed. I still fought.


I had a "friendship" with a very toxic person for years, who although somewhat broke me out of my shell...was also a very bad influence and treated me very poorly. I would always validate the reasonings as to why she was so cruel: she was in a physically and verbally abusive relationship, she had horrible self-esteem and a possible eating disorder, she had a screwy family life like I did. But you can only validate your supposed "BFF" calling you a "chubba chubba whale" and a "fucking cunt" over accusations that were almost always false for so long. But I let it happen for years.


...some of us spend our lives trying to fix what is already broken. Broken people, broken situations. Irreversible damage that not even the best Super Glue can put back together. And sometimes, we need to learn to cut our losses and realize a lost cause when we see it...and walk away. For our own health and sanity; just fucking. walk. away. 

This is not you "giving up". This is not something that you should be ashamed of. Looking out for your own well-being and mental health is not selfish...not matter what others may tell you. Being a supposed people pleaser is not a compliment, but a heavy burden to carry. I spent most of my life ( and still somewhat do ) putting other peoples' happiness and comfort above my own. Many nights I cried because I felt hopeless, abandoned and like a complete failure...all due to the fact that I felt I gave so much and it was never reciprocated. 

That can do a lot on one's self-esteem and self-worth.

And then when you're faced with situations that you honestly just have no control over, the devastation can be ten-fold. If someone cheats on you but you love them immensely, what do you do? Do you stay with them, knowing you will never trust them and constantly be on their case? Or do you leave them for your own sanity? 

In "people-pleasing mode", I would literally validate me cheating on someone by seeing it as---"I am unhappy, but I cannot break up with this person and hurt I'm going to find my happy elsewhere" Yeah, that's not healthy. And after having my heart literally ripped from my chest by someone I trusted with all I had, I learned a very hard way that it's better to leave someone heartbroken than to hurt them by sneaking around behind their back. The sting of that still haunts me today, although I wish it wouldn't. And I think part of the reason it does is because of the reality check that it caused me to have. So, in a's a blessing. It made me a stronger person today. It still hurts sometimes, but it was a major turning point in my life. 

Life is full of choices...whether they be something you do for yourself, or that you're forced by someone else to do. 

But I think these dreams still have a lot to do with my self-esteem issues and that deep-seeded feeling of "failure" from my past. That whole, "Well, why wasn't I good enough? What could I have done to make things better? Was I not nice enough/pretty enough/skinny enough/smart enough/funny enough?" New girlfriends/wives and new best friends always seem to be a part of them, too...which only adds to these feelings. And again, these are not things I think about during waking hours...but just lately, I've been having very intense dreams that lead me to believe that I have some rooted issues that I apparently have not fully dealt with.

I also contribute the revelations to therapy. You go in thinking that there isn't that much you aren't aware of in your psyche and then it's like just talking about even unrelated things suddenly opens Pandora's Box. I guess this is something that I should probably bring up to her at my next visit, huh?...=/

Psychology and dream interpretation has always fascinated me...but, of course, it's not so much fun when it's you analyzing yourself, now is it?...ha! 

Oh the curse of self-awareness...!