Friday, February 17, 2017

Speak No Evil

I've been the victim of bullying all my life. I think what made me such an easy target was my need to be liked. Well, that clearly backfired. This is part of the reason I have very few friends, why I don't trust people, and why I'm jaded; because I refuse to continue being a victim.

As I've mentioned in blogs before, I wasn't a very socialized kid. We didn't have money, I never had sleepovers at my house; my parents refused to entertain as it was another mouth to feed. I didn't play sports, participate in after school activities or have a lot of the things other kids had. I was insecure even as a child and I never learned how to have healthy self-esteem. I literally begged for the attention of my peers. I lost my virginity at the ripe ole age of 14 to an older guy who would then emotionally abuse me for 5.5 years because I didn't know what it meant to have a healthy relationship. Bullying got really bad in high school due to that relationship ( and many other things... ) simply because 1) a girl wanted to date him, 2) someone hated him, or 3) they simply wanted to cause trouble.

Girls are fucking mean!

Along with an unhealthy romantic relationship, I formed unhealthy "friendships", also. I was fighting to keep a friendship with someone with whom I was losing to the *stoner* group ( I didn't really drink as a teenager, nor did I smoke weed but a handful of times ) I would try desperately to weasel myself into situations so that I could simply be involved, when clearly I wasn't wanted. Our "group" was usually paired off...and I was usually the odd-man-out, simply trying to fit in somewhere. With the dramatics of girls in high school, a new girl was mad at me for God-knows-what every week. And when one girl was mad, her partner in crime also had to hate me. Back in the days of AIM and Xanga, I was called names through fake screennames and anonymous comments.

Slut.

"Fat tubba tubba whale" ( this one is a quote from a *best friend* psh! )

He's cheating on you and he doesn't want you; he wants me.

Whore.

I was literally called a slut before I had even had my first kiss...

But I would forgive these people. I would allow them to continue to treat me this way. WHY?...because I didn't know any better. I didn't know how to break the cycle. I didn't know how to set healthy boundaries or stand up for myself. No one was scared of me; if I had to get into a fist fight I'd either:
a) get the fucking snot beat out of me, or:
b) rage SO hard that I'd fucking kill a bitch
And I'm not kidding. You have no idea the anger and resentment I harbor from all of this...

...and this is why I go to therapy now.

Through the years, I've learned to become ( somewhat ) comfortable being alone. After being pretty much forced to live on my own, I gained a lot of independence and self-awareness. I learned to take care of myself and not rely on a man or family. These days, I'd rather be a hermit. But when you're a teenager or in your early 20s, you just want to have a good time with your friends. Most of my "friends" were either drunk sluts, trying to fuck my boyfriend, talking shit behind my back or making up bullshit...just because.

At 30, I am just now trying to learn how to set healthy boundaries for people. If I feel you are a bully, I refuse to entertain you. Whether you are family, a coworker or my neighbor...I will not tolerate it. Even if you didn't personally attack me, once I hear you talk down to someone's face, I'm done. Because...I don't like that shit. How is it your place to tell someone they are right or wrong? If you are not signing my paychecks or sleeping next to me at night, your opinions don't mean shit. So why feel the need to voice them?...because you're a bully.

I may have shot back in retort to bullying, simply to even the playing field, but I've learned that trying to make someone feel shitty about themselves serves no purpose. A bully is already so self-absorbed that no crude words are going to hurt their ego. It's a lost cause. You're only digging yourself a hole.

I write this because I'm sick and tired of having to explain myself. I'm sick and tired of people trying to "figure it out". Yes, I'm a sensitive fucking person but do you see me being blatantly rude to anyone? No. Do you hear me gossiping about people 24/7? No. Do you hear me spitting overly-loud passive aggressive bullshit to stir the pot? No. When I feel uneasy, I just get quiet. In a way, I shut down ( mostly because I'm still working on that "building healthy boundaries" thing ) because I'm not a volatile person. I'm an emotional person. I'm a perceptive person. And also, some people don't read others like I do...so in turn, it may seem I'm "making things up". No. I'm not.

I refuse to play house with people who are not good for my mental health. I refuse to hold hands and skip through a fucking field of flowers with someone I don't trust. I WILL however be cordial and respectful if the setting deems it so. I am an adult and I will act as one.

...just do not expect me to sit around a campfire and sing Kumbaya with someone that I feel is shady. I've done that shit for far too long, and I'm tired...

'Nuff said. Rant over. Deuces.