Wednesday, September 28, 2016

...I'm Sorry

I wish I could always tell you why I am sad...but I can't. Sometimes I don't really even know the reason. Is it the weather? Did something happen? I. Don't. Know. 

And if anyone is to be frustrated by this fact...it's me.

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Has this happened before? Hell yes. Will it happen again? Fucking right it will. But do I know why? Nope, not really. I had zero energy to do anything today and it all started as soon as I opened my eyes.

If you don't suffer from depression, you may think I'm just "making excuses". If you do suffer from depression, 1) I am SO sorry, because it fucking SUCKS, and 2) you feel me. When asked why I would be feeling depressed this morning, my only answer was simply "Because I have depression..." 

Nothing triggered this lack of motivation to get out of bed. No event happened between the time I closed my eyes and the time I opened them to cause this feeling. I just woke up sad. Do you understand how much that just sucks?! To feel so fucking sad and not know why? If you don't, well, you have no right to comment on my life or feelings.

And when you start your day off with this feeling, it only seems to go downhill from there. Even if you don't want it to, it feels like everything just contributes more to the sadness...

Those who have never experienced these feelings don't fully grasp the hold that this mental illness has on its victims. I made a comment about being "crazy" to my boss and he said, "Jenn, you're really not that crazy" But if he spent even half a day in my head, I bet you he would be whistling a different tune. 

And it's hard...when you have people who love and care for you in your life...and they can't understand the magnitude of the situation. You'd never want them to. It's a horrible thing to battle every. single. day. To try SO hard to smile when all you want to do is cry in a corner...and half of the time, you don't even understand why you're feeling this way in the first place.

It's been since Friday that I started to feel really *down*. I truly don't know why. It may be lack of sleep. It may be lack of exercise. But when you're tired and sad, it's hard to drag your ass to the gym even when you know you will feel better in the end. 

My next therapy session is on Saturday. I'll be talking to my counselor about these feelings. Probably by then, I'll be feeling better; that's how depression works--it comes in waves. 

It's also hard to fake optimism even when you really just want to feel better. But, for legitimate-blogging's sake ( and not just making this another pathetic diary entry ) here are a few of the tips I try to follow in ATTEMPT to defeat the blues:

1. Try to remember that a few bad days do not equal a bad life. You are NOT your depression. You HAVE depression. You FIGHT depression. Depression does NOT define you. 

2. Do something out of the kindness of your heart for someone, unexpectedly. Bringing joy to someone else can help elevate your mood and make you feel good about yourself.

3. Do not stress eat. This is why I am fat. This is why I'm depressed about being fat. Stress-eating does nothing but worsen the situation. Drink some tea; chew some gum. Do something to take your mind off of eating just for the sake of eating.

4. Start a project that will keep your mind occupied for a little bit. Try not to do something that will stress you out further; something like using an adult coloring book is a good route.

5. Maybe start doing yoga or meditation. I, for one, am not really into this...but many people swear by it.

6. Exercise is a natural anti-depressant that more people need to invest in. Sure, I'm in a funk and didn't end up going to Zumba tonight ( even though I know I would've felt better afterward ) but logically I know how much better I feel once I sweat out some of the stress and get lost in the music for even just an hour. And yes, sometimes it will take everything out of you to just make it to the gym...but do it when you can, at least.

7. ...and if you don't make it to the gym, don't get angry with yourself. I'm not saying that this should be your constant excuse, but if you beat yourself up for not going to spin class one night because the sadness is too much...you're just going to make matters worse.

8. Tomorrow is a new day. 

9. Surround yourself with people that maybe can't sympathize but who do empathize...and that love you no matter what.

10. And of course, there's nothing that a nap can't cure.

For any of you who may feel like I use my anxiety and depression as a crutch, well, I pray for your sake that you never have to deal with the aspects of mental illness that I do. Depression is not for the weak: it leads many to self-harm and suicide. Those who battle mental health issues are some of the strongest people I know, including myself. It's something you fight to overcome every day. It's a constant battle of logic and the uncontrollable. 

So, I am truly sorry that I cannot tell you why I am sad...but it's only because I don't know why. 

...and there's nothing you can do to help, aside from simply just loving me despite...