Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Just Can't Win

I am a perfectionist and a people pleaser.

This is a horrible combination.

I strive to do the best that I can at pretty much everything. Isn't that what you should do? But sometimes, it can be quite exhausting. I'm in the process of working on this in therapy. When you are so consumed with being perfect 24/7, even the tiniest thing can tip your canoe over.

Plus, what if your best isn't up to par with someone else's standard? Then you're left between a rock and a hard place.

I often find myself in this position. I work hard, I try not to gripe too much, I try to balance my jumbled thoughts and just...do whatever the job is at hand. I also try to not let other's words and actions discourage me, but, sometimes it's harder than it may seem.

I see it as, if you do too much...people make it seem like you're stepping on their toes. You may go ahead and do something that you know needs done because you have the time or you want to take the burden off of someone else...only to find out that they only saw it as you were making more work for them. Or that you're kissing ass. Also, in situations like this, it often leads to too many hands in one pot. Everyone is "trying" to help and just bumping into each other in the process. Thus making more work for everyone and pissing each other off in the process. 

But then, if you shy away and put on the brakes, suddenly you don't do enough. You're deemed lazy. You're accused ( verbally, or internally ) of pawning things off on others and simply being unmotivated. I have a hard time focusing on things. I'm big on using lists and forming the steps to take to reach a goal. And I don't feel like I should have to race to do something just so someone won't do it first. Then you run into the prior issue: stepping on toes.

So how does one "win"? How do you avoid making your peers mad at you? 

How do you stop caring about what people think of you?

I honestly have the utmost envy and full respect for those who can walk through life not giving a fuck what others think of them. Being able to live a life so carefree and blase is only a pipe dream for me. 

I'm so consumed by what others' opinions of me are and how they will affect my life in negative ways. I've been down this road before. That's why I also think the worst of every situation. If it has to do with something important in my life ( ie. livelihood, living arrangements, love life ) that makes it even worse. The only person who should cause negative harm in my life is me; not someone's opinion of me or what I do.

I've learned that you don't fuck with someone's job, spouse or family...plain and simple. But I've had people who have done all 3 to me. Once bitten, twice shy...it contributes to your lack of trust in others.

The constant fear of the rug being pulled out from under you.

Logically, I understand that you can't make everyone happy. But emotionally, I just want everyone to be happy with me. And it's an unattainable goal. It's a game that I will never win. 

So all you can do is go out there, giv'em your best and just hope that your true will can shine through enough that people can see that you try. It may not be what some people deem "correct", but maybe others do......

PS. This was more of a diary entry than a useful blog. Sorry guys! :( Maybe next time?