Friday, August 5, 2016

My High School Experience

...was shit. 

I'm an awkward person, and although I've grown into more of someone that I respect and am happy with, it doesn't negate the fact that as a teen I was a hot mess. I was so worried about having friends that I became clingy and annoying and someone that...didn't have many friends.

I didn't belong to any specified "group" or "label". I hung out with a certain group of girls, and when I look back on it I feel like those girls were always mad at me for one reason or another. It was probably because I was annoying and dramatic, but what teenage girl isn't?? It just makes me a bit sad. I wish I would've had a more memorable experience.

In the group, there were about 6 of us. I always felt like the odd one out. Two of the girls were really close and always around each other. The other 2 became BFFs right off the bat even though I was close to the one prior; I was kind of pushed to the side for her. Then the third girl came into play, along with drugs and guys, and I wasn't into that kind of stuff. I felt like I fought SO hard to stay friends with people I really didn't have much in common with...just to have friends. I wanted so much to be liked, and I really wasn't.

I didn't smoke pot or party. I had a long-term boyfriend who was possessive and a messy situation altogether, so I didn't go out too often. All my time was spent with him. I was the product of a broken home with a single dad that had no money and didn't want to take me anywhere. In a sense, I was the "inconvenience friend". Everything I had to talk about dealt with either my boyfriend or drama with other "friends". Looking back it was pathetic.

It also didn't help that I rarely had classes with any of the girls. Even with all the stuff going on in my life, I tried to keep my grades up. I took honors classes when I could and opted for Spanish over other elective classes I would've liked to take ( i.e. art ) I was with a lot of the popular people in these classes. And although most of those people were very nice to me, I was not their friend. I was a poor, awkward chorus girl that didn't play sports and just happened to be taking Trigonometry. We had nothing in common and they weren't looking to invite me over to their house for the weekend or ask me to go to the movies. It just makes me wonder how it would've been had I been more confident with myself and cared less about what people thought about me.

I contribute my awkwardness to the fact that I moved quite a bit as a child. I was in kindergarten at Middlesex, 1st grade at Blaine, 2nd-4th at Frankford, 5th grade was split between 2 schools in Florida, 6th at Oceola, 7th at Havre de Grace, and then 8th-on at Big Spring. I never had a "long-withstanding" friendship with anyone.

I still have my insecurities but I have more of a fuck it attitude ( at least on the outside ) Anxiety doesn't help my constant worry if people don't like me or not, but I also have learned ( the hard way ) that it's not worth the effort to beg people to be your friend. I'm rough around the edges and I've been through some shit. I'm not saying I've been through the fires of hell, but my life wasn't easy either. Throughout the years, I've had people use me as a doormat, hurt me in unimaginable ways and given FAR too many chances. But from that I have grown stronger than I ever thought I'd be. 

...a lot of those girls from high school I've lost contact with. We speak here and there, but as soon as graduation hit we all parted ways and went different directions. I don't hold any grudges or think ill of any of them ( except for maybe one... ) I just sometimes wish that things would have been different. I wish I would have been more likable and felt better about myself. I feel like that would have made my experience better. 

I feel sad that I look back on those days with more regret than I do longing...