Wednesday, May 25, 2016

To Breed...or Not to Breed...

I used to be really adamant about having children. I wanted to be a stay at home mom and be in love and have kids and yadda yadda yadda. Even at a young age, I was a hopeless romantic that longed for a fairytale relationship and the white picket fence. But then...I grew up.

I moved out of my house as SOON as I could. I learned real quick the value of a dollar. Rent, utilities, car insurance, gas...the daily expenses of being independent. It's not easy even taking care of yourself sometimes. I didn't really grow up with money, but living on my own gave me a swift kick of reality all up in this life of mine.

Then there's the shitty relationships. SOOOOO many shitty relationships. A girl can only take so much before she becomes jaded to the idea of "true love". And true love is not the "butterflies in the stomach", "can't breath without them", "need to be around them all the time"...that is co-dependence, hunnie. I wasn't about to have kids with just anyone, so luckily I was smart about that. I didn't want a "baby daddy" and I didn't want to have any children out of wedlock. Hence, I never got married...

Anyway, a couple of years ago I randomly met a guy online that, upon chatting, told me he had an accident when he was a teenager that left him infertile...and it made me think: if I fell for someone and he was my *soulmate* ( I say that as least sarcastic as I possibly can ) could I bear never having children if I was at least fulfilled in my relationship? After much thought, I decided that yes...yes I could.

So I thought more and more about this topic. I took into account the economy and how hard it is to survive on one income. How would I successfully be a stay-at-home mom living off my then-husbands salary? He would have to be pretty well-to-do...and I don't tend to date those types. To me, money is power and a lot of men seem to know this and use it to their advantage. Plus, I don't feel right doing what needs done with someone else's money. Also, I like having a job. In the end, it gives me fulfillment. How long would I be able to tolerate staying at home? If I didn't stay at home, though, I'd pretty much be working a job so I can pay the outrageous childcare costs...so someone can watch my child grow up while I work. It's a Catch 22. 

The freedom to sleep in on Saturdays or pick up and go away on a weekend or get so drunk you can't stand are all in the past. You have a little, well, you that you need to care for and who is watching your every move. You have to be there for them and you have to be a good influence. Am I even responsible enough to take care of a little human being? I really don't know. 

I'm not going to lie, my weight is an issue with this too. I'm already fat; 60 pounds of weight to lose. I don't want to add even another 15 to this already-ruined body. My double chin does not need to become a triple with pregnancy weight. And if I work hard to lose the weight, why would I want to gain in all back with pregnancy? I already have stretch marks and saggy skin...and if my boobs get any larger I'm going to have to walk with a walker.

I'm horrible with children. Seriously. Babies I can do, but when kids want me to "play", I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I just float through the motions, but most times I'm just screaming inside. 

I also am worried about my anxiety. I can't take antidepressants while pregnant. And what if I spread those genetics to my child? I don't want to pass such a debilitating disease to my unborn baby. 

...but then there's the experiences I would miss out on. The entire process of growing a human being inside my body. Loving something more than I ever imagined I could. Helping to mold someone into a decent human being. Having someone to take care of me when I'm old and gray. Having a purpose. I don't travel. I'm not adventurous. If I don't have kids, what will I have to do? Work and sleep?...save all my money for nothing? But when I think of THESE things, they sound selfish. They sound like I want kids just to keep myself busy. Usually people think NOT having kids is selfish, but really, look at the world we live in these days? How is this choice NOT selfish? And I'm not saying that's a BAD thing...but it's true: in 2016, it's more selfish to have children than it is to abstain from doing so. 

I'm at the age where I really need to decide what I want to do. As most would say, my "biological clock is ticking" ( I hate that so much... ) The risk for birth defects and autism are much higher the older that I get and I feel like, as a woman pushing 30, I'm rushed into making a decision. I don't think I'd be angry if I ever got pregnant, but at this point it's something I'm not planning on. Having children is an investment...and I'm still on the fence on if it's something I really want to do or not.

I guess I still have some time.